We are so often offered by all means to diversify an intimate life, which sometimes seems: in fact, a sexual minority is those who live with a permanent partner and make love with him. And they like it, the sexologist Yuri Prokopenko is sure.
Psychologies: Is there a way to find out who can become our permanent partner?
Yuri Prokopenko: Sex is interesting to do with who and without sex interesting. If only sex is interested, and not a person himself, then the relationship will not last long, even if they are formally preserved. Sometimes we see couples, but if we did not know that it was a husband and wife, we would not have guessed: they didn’t look at each other, and when they look, then without pleasure. And vice versa, in the crowd our gaze grabs happy couples – and we immediately understand that these two are a couple, and not just by chance: they touch each other, talk, and in their eyes the light. They rejoice at each other ..
How we choose?
Largely unconsciously: smell, touch – this is what turns out to be paramount. Once I led a psychotherapeutic group in which men and women learned to listen to their feelings. Eyes are blindfolded, you can’t talk, only touch is allowed.
One of the participants then shares: “Many years ago I had a passionate novel. My friend was beautiful. But we had to leave. Everyone who was after him does not want to offend them … And today I found a wonderful man – the same feelings! My whole body vibrated and responded, I could not tear myself away from it, but I opened my eyes – no, and this is not the same. I’m in the desperation of what to do?!”And the whole group answered her unanimously:“ Close your eyes!»Sometimes close your eyes correctly.
How two manages to maintain interest after years?
For another to be interesting, they need to be interested in! Each of us is an inexhaustible ocean, a depth, into which you can dive endlessly. The surface may seem monotonous, but it is worth descending below – and there are amazing, exciting secrets.
We open to meet another more and help him to open up to him. This is both selfishness and altruism at the same time
If you curious, ask another questions, participate in his life, then this is better than any film and books. The more we are interested in, the more we find interesting. No less important and express your love. Admire each other, praise, say “I love you” – not only with words, but with views, gestures, deeds. And in bed, and anywhere. And do this not in exchange for something, but to start first, generously and disinterestedly.
What are the pluses in constant partnership?
Playing, as they say in sports or music. Team interaction. Understanding from a half -see, the ability to pick up the topic. The played duet can perform more complex things, to improvise beautifully. And those who only met still have to adapt to each other.
With a new partner, we risk every time. To be rejected is one of the strongest fear, but there is still a risk of disappointed. And when the time has passed and we stay together, these fears are leaving. And we do not spend energy on them – it is all invested in interaction.
We open to meet another more and help him to open up to him. This is both selfishness and altruism at the same time: the pleasure that we deliver
to another becomes our pleasure. We do this not for ourselves, this is our gift to the beloved: we are selflessly trying to make him good. But when we see his pleasure, we get his gratitude, does it leave us indifferent? We also experience incredible delight and sincere rise … and bodily too.
But what about the notorious novelty in sex?
The novelty is good when this is a manifestation of a sincere desire to give something new to a partner: “Not for yourself, but to you”. If there is no human interest, then no technique will help. Hands should grow out of the heart, and the genitals also. If this connection is not, nothing will work out.
Women are often advised to experiment with postures, with erotic linen ..
We will arrange the emphasis: not poses and linen are important, it is important that the partners want the same. If both of them like one pose and they do not want to change anything-then to their health, why do they need our advice. And if they both want to try sex in the forest on fir cones – everything is also in order.
But if he wants, but she is not, then in a “bad” pair they will be offended or angry at each other, and in “good” they will look for the point of intersection of their interests – maybe on cones, but not in the forest, or, conversely,- In the forest, but on a soft grass. They know how to talk to each other, so they will agree. It’s good with a permanent partner that you don’t need to look for a common language with him, he was already found.
How to learn to talk to each other?
Test and error – there are no other recipes. We are trying, we are mistaken and try again, we try different options until it starts to work out. Patience and trust. It is important not to blame each other, not to suspect in some kind of unkind intent, but to explain to yourself and ask about another.
Restrictions are a certain idea “I must have one partner”, not a feeling. Restrictions are always in our head, and the body responds to desires
Probably, permanent partners have to impose some restrictions on themselves, and today there are few people to their taste.
No, they just want to be together. In this sense, we do not impose restrictions on ourselves – this does society. Sometimes they openly tell us that it is possible and what is impossible, and sometimes raised as it is convenient for society. And then it may seem that we are limiting ourselves.
It is easy to check: restrictions are a certain idea “I must have one partner”, not a feeling. You can check: what I feel – “moral satisfaction” from the fact that the following principle is fulfilling a promise, or joy, an influx of energy? Do I want to sing from this, laugh? Restrictions are always in our head, and the body responds to desires.
But we note: “constant” is not always the same as the only partner.
Yes, “one -loving” steam is getting less and less. On the one hand, this is a sign that the strength of internal connections in the pair is reduced, as well as their value. On the other hand, there is a sign that sexual relations have ceased to equal love to the formula “whom I love, I sleep with that;with whom I slept, I love that “. Relations in the style of “I never sleep with anyone – I only love you became possible!”.
Nevertheless, there are people who are faithful to each other, united at an unconscious level and are interested in sex as in the manifestation of human relations. Their connection is only strengthened over time.
How to not lose yourself?
But we do not become the same. And do not necessarily do the same at the same time. We make up a single organism. Imagine a walking person: his arms and legs perform different actions, and two legs are also not both walking forward. And at the same time all parts are connected, they do not act the same – but agreed. Such an organism can be a couple. And then changing the partner is like cutting the left with your right hand: after all, the essence is one.
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